This is a clear claim, and it comes early. By the end of your first paragraph a reader knows exactly what you want.
Ideas
Sample
This is the page a student opens from the link their teacher shares. The essay, Example Student and Example School are made up. The comments are the kind a teacher speaks while reading, written up by MAMAKO Feedback and checked by the teacher before sharing.
In this sample the voice notes are silent. On a real page each one plays the teacher saying the comment.
Persuasive Essay: School Start Times
Your teacher's comments on your essay. Tap a number to read or hear that comment.
Where does this number come from? Name your source, such as a health group or a study, so a reader who doubts you can check it.
Ideas
You answer the other side here instead of ignoring it, which makes your argument stronger. You also raised after-school jobs, so add a sentence about them.
Organisation
This is your thinnest paragraph. Two short sentences can't carry a whole reason. Give an example, or a fact about how dark it is at 7:00 in January.
Ideas
A strong last line. A one-year trial is a fair thing to ask for, and it shows you thought about how the school would decide.
Organisation
This is a clear claim, and it comes early. By the end of your first paragraph a reader knows exactly what you want.
Ideas
Where does this number come from? Name your source, such as a health group or a study, so a reader who doubts you can check it.
Ideas
You answer the other side here instead of ignoring it, which makes your argument stronger. You also raised after-school jobs, so add a sentence about them.
Organisation
This is your thinnest paragraph. Two short sentences can't carry a whole reason. Give an example, or a fact about how dark it is at 7:00 in January.
Ideas
A strong last line. A one-year trial is a fair thing to ask for, and it shows you thought about how the school would decide.
Organisation
End Comment
Your argument is easy to follow, and your claim is clear from the start. Your next step is evidence. Pick your two strongest reasons and back each one with a fact you can name a source for. Revise paragraph four first, then send it back to me by Friday.
Patterns
Things your teacher noticed more than once.
You state facts without saying where they come from. Each time you use a number or a fact, say where you found it.
Mark Your Own Stack
Photograph the essays, talk through each one, and share pages like this with your students.